First appeared on my first blog, Hey Holl, on February 12, 2009…

Full disclosure, I am now happily married. However, this has remained one of my favorite pieces that I’ve written.

Well, it’s that time of the year again! Insanely huge stuffed animals clutching roses or hearts embroidered with “Be Mine” line store shelves. Bags of candy hearts. Boxes of chocolates. Store walls look like they’ve been hosed down with Pepto Bismol. Stacks of mass produced generic sentiments. Legions of men will stand blank faced in the card department with every hope that the perfect one will just leap off the shelf and into their hands, all while being faced with the difficult gift decision of “crotchless panties or a mixed tape?”. 🙂 Hoards of women will convince themselves that THIS is the year that their commitment-phobe of a boyfriend will FINALLY “pop the proverbial question.” Yup, that’s right…it’s Singles Awareness Day…oops! I mean…it’s VALENTINE’S DAY!

If you’re anything like me, the constant barrage of romance, pink hearts, and all things Valentine’s Day since the day after New Year’s has become nauseating. I am not even one to go crazy over this silly holiday,which is merely mass consumerism at it’s finest, even if I DID have a boyfriend. Why should there be ONE day a year designated to tell someone that you love them or what they mean to you? What about the OTHER 364?! It’s so overrated! Now, don’t mistake this as the bitter rantings of someone who is single, er…I mean “romantically challenged,” but rather as insight into how a happy-go-lucky hopeless romantic such as myself can turn into a self-depricating romance hater for one week out of the year.

I usually spend the week before Valentine’s Day shaking my fist at the universe, asking the question, “when is that little cherubic bastard going to find me?” 🙂 Yes, I like the whole he’s hot, keeping my options open kind of thing and it has been fun, but it’s gotten trite…stale if you will. CLEARLY, I’m not a romance hater. I’m the furthest thing from it. Call me crazy, but I find it nice when I have someone to lean on….someone to call at the end of the day rather than sit and type these words across a blank canvas, giving myself the illusion that someone is actually reading what I have to say. I miss the conversations. I miss the hugs, the brushing of the hair away from my face, the kisses on my forehead. I miss just having someone to have dinner with, rather than most nights eating by myself. I miss the kisses, the cuddling…I miss it all. Do I NEED a boyfriend to fully function in the world? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I’m not THAT girl. I’ve done it. I’ve BEEN DOING it for quite awhile now and I’ve gotten pretty damn good at it too.

I am the first one to admit that I am, in fact, a hopeless romantic…to the core as a matter of fact! It’s nice to BELIEVE that it could still happen like in the movies, but who are we kidding, right? Unless your name is Meg Ryan and it turns out that Tom Hanks is who you’re getting mail from rather than the schizophrenic pedophile who lives three counties over, then it doesn’t happen like in the movies. BUT, I digress. Also, contrary to what parts of this diatribe may have alluded to, I’m not bitter when it comes to love and relationships….not in the least. The people that claim that they are happier being by themselves, “playing the field,” or whatever you want to call it…I’m sorry, but I don’t buy it. Are you REALLY happier or are you just making that your mantra of the moment to justify why you’re alone? What are people so afraid of? I’ve never longed to be a heartless robot. I’ve kept my heart guarded with the metaphorical walls around myself for so long that maybe it would be simpler if I were to just resign myself to being alone, but what’s the point? I don’t want to live my life closed off from emotion, walking around an empty hollow shell incapable of love.

So, where does this self-deprication come from? Maybe it’s the sense of euphoria emitting from those that have somebody that brings it out or maybe it’s just the sight of seeing those around me walking hand in hand and all I have is a Target bag and my purse. I can definitely partake in this debilitating self pity with the best of them. I’ve even made the joke that if someone wants to figure out what it is that they want in a relationship, then they should date me since anyone who’s ever dated me seems to have figured that it out and ultimately attained it after they’ve left (ie: insta-family, baby on the way, engaged). Needless to say, my family didn’t find this to be very funny.

I take solace in knowing that there IS someone out there for me. That’s really the only thing that keeps my head above water this time of year….hanging onto that faith that some day it will happen for me again. So, as yet another Singles Awareness Day rolls around, I’m staying relatively low key…waiting for the stores to clear the Valentine’s madness from their shelves….and that day can’t come soon enough!